It has been awhile since I shared an excerpt from the books within my memoir series. For some reason, turning 40 this year is making me miss my Mom something fierce this mother's day. Sure we had our rifts, but with that being her holiday and my Dad's birthday having been on May 13th, we often celebrated the two events together - and one thing about my mother, she always tried her best to make holidays, special occasions and birthdays special. So, Mother's Day has always been full of wonderful memories. That is, after all, what I have of my folks. Not many photographs (long story), but memories galore.
Then this sweetness my mother had, that was in her persona all her life I am sure - it just needed to be given a chance - seemed to trickle down to my friends and our neighbors. Anya always referred to her as Grandma Sharon. So did Pat's daughter, Theresa, and later in life Theresa's son would be spoiled with gifts Mom could hardly afford. My friends were suddenly not rushed off the phone if I was away at work or doing a show. Sometimes she knew of their life events before I did. Then there's the amazing sisterhood she formed with the women of her church group and the many young ladies she mentored late in her life at a shelter for abused teenage girls, who sought the mean streets of the inner city for whatever they needed to survive. These were facets of my mother that made me admire her more and more and it was a side my siblings either never got a chance or took a chance to see.
*
All of us were guilty of putting the weight of our problems on Mom's shoulders.
I felt so bad that I lost my mind one day with her, gained her respect despite having showed her hardly any in the process and was literally her right arm man in the last few years of her life. We became each others sounding boards, each others pal, each others 'Judy' in aggressively charming chatter that we proudly called conversations of love. She ended up being voted
*
One day, I was going through one of my frustrated-I-couldn't-get-Keithen moods and had been running about a dozen errands between the bank job and my weekly show at Sam's Tiffany's Lounge when I got another nagging page from my mother, who ultimately only needed me to pick up yet another item at yet another store. Well, when I got out of the car to call her on a payphone, I locked the keys in my car. I was livid beyond repair and James was the only one available to come and call his insurance to come and unlock the car for me.
"She is such a [expletive deleted for this post] b*tch." I hollered at him with a borderline snarl.
I lost control and only fed into what his thought-process was of her. When I would catch Anne on the phone all I did was complain about my tireless running for Mom. Sean surely heard more than enough of my complaints about Mom, as well. So, I only fueled the lining of their arguments and sealed the alibi for their own constant placing of blame on Mom for their own mess. I was venting, but I only enhanced their already damaged relationships with her.
Then I would see her doing what she grew to do the best. Deep in prayer with a newly widowed friend from church, while I painted my face for the gods for that nights show. Writing numerous greeting cards with words of inspiration to either a girl she mentored or a client she sold beauty products to. My mother was priceless in that regard. I mean, when you ordered from her you not only got the items, but were met with a ton of samples and a greeting card to boot. I couldn't stay mad at her for long, but all my siblings heard was trash. I took the blame for my part in their views on her long ago and I learned to excuse them of some of their blaming her in time.
*
Mom would fret over any of us at any given time, especially as the years went by. Her deep sense of detachment from James and how he felt about her made her so sad sometimes. One day, she told me how hurt she was that she did him such harm to his spirit, more so than anything else. I would tell her to talk to him, to ask for his forgiveness. She would try to help him out when she could with either a phone call or a nice card, but I felt that their damaged relationship was beyond greeting cards and ten minute phone calls. She did try, though.
She would appreciate Sean for his stepping up to the plate to help me out. He eventually moved into the flat above us and he did lift the burden slightly off my shoulders. I was grateful because at least someone would be around her. She never ate properly, either by choice or because we were low on funds. If it were between a meal and her cigarettes, the cigarettes would surely win the battle.
Anne ended up committing yet another petty crime, which I am sure she had done before due to the complex demands of her habits. One time she got caught and ended up in jail. Mom was devastated. That really took a lot out of her, seeing one of us kids go to jail. It opened her eyes in a huge way. She got even more protective of her grandchildren. When Anne got out and was bouncing in and out of rehab, she got fiercer in her line of questioning towards my sister, which surely didn't help Anne's views of her from the past.
Anya was wonderful to my mother. She would have made the most excellent daughter-in-law for her if I could keep my lustful eyes off of men long enough to even take notice. Both women respected one another almost to a fault and Anya would come over to help her out. She shared with Anya that to her I was a lot like my father insofar as my taking care of her. My mother learned to look past my complaining and see that I was really compassionate to her constant health problems, growing lack of appetite, and worry for her family and need to show the world as much love as she could muster.
One night Maria called my mother with a life event and she consoled a tearful woman, who was surely on the brink of doing herself harm. Maria would always tell me what a wonderful soul my mother was and how that one conversation alone spoke volumes about her character. My mother talked to her like a sister, with the respect given to a dignitary. My mother saved a lot of desperate people near the end of her life.
*
I was still so in love, or so I thought with the idea of Keithen and I being in a relationship. Despite his booming relationship with the other man (that's how I viewed it), I still showered him with gifts and compliments, but none of it ever made an impression. My mind on him began to take away from my line of sight regarding my mother's health. She, like my father had before her, began to stop complaining. Instead she would share such things with her church sisters. She once told Irene that she felt like she was slowly "slipping." She shared with Genevieve that her energy was very low some days and she felt the need to sleep later and later. She told Mary that her body was "failing" her immensely.
There were signs to the drama that would soon unfold, but I had only two seasons - a fun autumn and a bittersweet winter - to share with my mother ...and I was none the wiser.
*
Sweet Grandma Sharon
The gentle hands knitting a blanket so soft to my skin
The firm grip of a respectful handshake or a loving hug
The beauty of the true love she felt for each one of her kin
The soft patter of her toe tapping to sweet music on kitchen's rug
The look in the eye making you her equal
No matter your age or life's position
She gave from her heart so deep and full
No matter your color or religion
She transcended what she dished out or served
By showing the way to so many she called her beloved
Challenging herself all the way down the road of life's crooked curve
By giving of her spirit to so many she had shown love
The hand on your shoulder complimenting a good deed
No matter your creed or sexual orientation
The sound of her giddy laughter that tugged one's heart with a squeeze
No matter your way of dress or conversation
The gentle hands comforting an ill loved one so soft to my skin
The firm grip of a pinch when a joke was told or a sweet hug
The beauty of genuine forgiveness she sought from her kin
The soft patter of her toe tapping to sweet music on kitchen's rug
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The Naked Window: Exposed/Revelations by Antonio Cassone is available for purchase through CreateSpace, an Amazon Company. Click here for more information.
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