Happy Mother's Day 2026

Mom would have turned 85 today...

Happy Heavenly Birthday, Mom.

An Open Letter to My Mom on Her 78th Birthday

Dear Mom,

Happy birthday, Mom.  Here we are at the dawning of another September 4^th, as you would have been 78 years old, if you were still ‘alive’ – though I still feel your presence here now more than ever.  Next March will mark the 20^th year since your passing and this upcoming October will be 23 years since Dad passed away.  I marvel at how much time has gone by, yet sometimes it seems as though we were talking just yesterday.  People say it gets easier with the passing of time, yet I tend to think that notion is just to make one feel better.  Losing loved one’s sucks and the older I get; the more people pass on and with much more frequency it seems.  Especially in this day of social media.  I know you don’t know too much about that, or maybe you do.  Well, with it, one seems to find out about even more passing’s – sometimes daily.  So, you can tend to feel like you are in a constant grieving period.

I am sure you know Mike passed away last August.  I hadn’t realized losing a sibling would be so hard, but it is.  The difficulty lies in the guilt I feel that he and I weren’t closer than maybe we could have been, and the sadness remains that I am not that close with my remaining siblings.  I love them, I think they know that I love them, but because of my own life issues – especially in recent years – I just keep them at an arm’s length distance.  It is safer – for me.  Besides when I bring you up to my sister all she does is criticize you.  After all these years, she won’t let you rest in peace and as smart as she is; the more she lashes out AT me ABOUT you, the further I want to run away from her.  Dan, on the other hand, I love and respect and feel like he and I are alike more so regarding needing space simply because we are hardworking people.  I have always felt closest to him.  As for your grandkids, oh my goodness, you would be so very proud of both of them and all they have accomplished.

You see, I have lost a lot of people.  I take care of them, nurture, nurse… you know, that is me. The caregiver.  Since I moved down to Florida twelve years ago, I had two roommates, Walter and Doug, who I cared for through their lengthy illnesses and saw them pass away.  Walter was sad enough, but Doug – I didn’t see it coming.  Even though he was in such declining health for so long, he was still making plans.  Daily he would run through a seeming, endless litany of things he still wanted to do, places he wanted to go, visits to his daughter and her family, seeing his granddaughter grow up.  Even up to the night before he died.

I had worked a ridiculously long day that day.  Looking back, I have noted it was my longest shift ever at my ‘day’ job. Anyway, I had put in a near 15-hour day.  I kept up with Doug throughout that day, per usual, checking on him via phone calls and text messages. He had a scheduled doctor’s appointment the next day and he called me around 9:30pm to tell me to not be mad, but he was gonna go ahead and take his shower and he would call me after he was done and settled.  One of our rules/agreements through his health dip was that I or one of his health aides were to be there any time he showered.  I hesitantly agreed and stressed for an hour and a half before he called me back to tell me he was all done.  Fresh and clean as a whistle, he laughingly reported.  We quipped and joked as we normally had, and he was to order himself some dinner for delivery.

By the time I got home just before midnight, I was surely exhausted.  Doug was in the middle of his seemingly realized very late dinner and was chatty.  I just sat at the dining room table sort of in a stupor, knowing I had to be up in just a handful of hours to do it all over again.  Between Doug’s chatter and our crazy cat, Sam, meowing his head off, I just smiled and nodded.  Normally, when I would work these crazy hours, I still tried to take the time to sit with Doug on the patio and chit chat over a cocktail.  I couldn’t do it that night, but I wish I had.

In a profound move, after Doug had been talking for a bit to my ever-growing silence, he wheeled himself half way out of his bedroom.  He just kinda hung there – halfway in the doorway to the living/dining room area yet remaining partly in his bedroom.  It occurred to me that he stopped talking and interrupted his very late dinner to check on me.  Once he saw that I was too tired, and we weren’t going to go on the patio for our nightly kiki, which I think he figured that since he had already closed the patio blinds for the night, he started on that daily litany of things he still wanted to do.  Only this time, among the getting back to driving again, visiting his family, going to hang out with his bar buddies – he abruptly said, “Well, meh…” stopped; long staring at the unopened blinds – and wheeled himself back in to his room, almost defeated.  The abrupt ending was my cue to head to bed for the night.  I told him good night and went to retire to my room.  As I laid in bed, I realized I didn’t tell him ‘I love you’ as I normally did.  Now, settled in to my bed, I was too tired to get back up.

The next morning, it was a scurry as I rushed to get ready for my ride to pick me up.  My good friend, Val, an angel on earth who I swear you sent to me to help me get through life – along with Pam, Albert, Anya, Keronce, Diva, John, Cat and Judy, any queen that ever gave me a gig, a handful of coworkers and prayer warriors like Gladys and Kaiwana – the angels on earth in my life are countless – praise God.  Anyway, Doug happened to be up and was doing his normal morning routine, as he had that doctor’s appointment later that day, we quipped and joked like two Judy’s – per usual.  As I hurried out the door, I said, ‘see you later’ and while rushing to the car, I realized (in passing) that again, I didn’t say ‘I love you.’

Work was all a fluster, issue after issue was hitting me harder than usual that day.  In hindsight, it was almost as though the stars were aligned to have me be very busy and very distracted.  I was so frantic that my coworker, Felicia, could see it in my face I was uber stressed and she treated me to lunch that day.  Something she had never done before, but I was glad she did, and little did I know at the time that was more of a spiritual gesture.  A prayer warrior herself, I later recognized that as a spirit to spirit connection.  It was like God was guiding someone to get me the nourishment to get me through the rest of a very long day.  

Twice along the way that day, I thought to call and check on Doug – per usual, but got distracted and kept reminding myself he had that doctor’s appointment and we would catch up later.  Mom, it never happened.  I was on a crisis call with a vendor, when at 3:00pm my cell phone rang.  Once I saw it was Doug’s daughter on the caller ID, my heart sank.  I quickly ended the call with the vendor on my work phone and picked up my cell phone.  She told me with fierce and sudden fashion, that the transportation for his doctor’s office had picked him up, he coded and died suddenly in transit to the doctor’s appointment.

I just flung the cell phone across my desk and howled.  I was crying uncontrollably – and according to co-workers – quite loudly.  I couldn’t contain myself for several minutes.  It was a shock to my universe.  I cried so hard, I hollered.  It was a deep, guttural soul cry.  I was inconsolable.  It is the sound you never forget, and I am always surprised when I realize it is coming from me.  There have only been three other times in life I have made such a sound and that was when I lost you and our dear friend, Ramona and when I realized someone I really, really loved was never going to love me back in the same way.  I remember, Rosa, my office mate’s look on her face, like “Damn.” That just happened?  Not realizing all the while, his poor daughter heard all of it and was patiently waiting for me to pick the phone up.  I had to get out of there.

I wanted to get home; quick, fast and in a hurry and thankfully my co-worker Catherine got me there.  The first thing I noticed when I got home was how calm Sam, the cat, was.  All the week before, he was hounding Doug, constantly up under him and kept trying to get our attention in many ways, unlike before.  He even once got up in the bed with Doug and got in his face, meowing frantically and the poor dear feline got his tail run over by Doug’s wheelchair because he was following him so closely.  And now he was normal just like that *snaps fingers* – it freaked me out.  That cat had to find another home, Mom.  Anyway, I settled myself and called his daughter back and then it was all about planning for life after Doug,

Here today, gone today.

Losing Doug is right up there with you, Dad, Googles and Mike.  He was like a second father to me, I now know and realize.  He knew it too.  We only knew each other a handful of years.  When I first moved in with him, he was on a cane, then the walker, then the wheelchair.  I took care of him because he took me in and helped me, like so many others.  I slowly witnessed his social circle dwindle the sicker he got.  I got to the point where I couldn’t see leaving the situation.  I left Walter a week before he went in to a nursing home, only because his frantic lover drove me out and lied to and about me to his sister or lied to me about his sister – that situation got so effed up that I thought the lover was plotting my death at one point, so I HAD to leave.  But when it came to Doug, no way.  I was in it for the long haul.  Despite all his health issues, we laughed more than we cried.  He was a sweet, funny, vibrant and loving friend.  I am all about duty and trying to do right by people – it was how you raised me, and Lord knows I had a lot of practice by taking care of you.

My faith tells me that you already know about all of this and all that happened before this and since.  I would like to think you and Mike have reconciled and both of you have met Doug, and Walter, all the many others who have passed away since my last letter to you nine years ago.  I share it with you because you, of all the people ever to know me in life know that writing, creating, even doing my drag shows, my photography – all of it – is my therapy.  Keronce, of all people, gets on me all the time to get to it.  I am not living.  I am no longer utilizing my God-given talents, like I was put on this earth to do and he wants to know why. I am afraid to live. I am afraid to be happy, because I don’t know what true happiness looks like, Mom.  That is one of the reasons why.

*****

Austin called me out of the blue last week to ‘check on me.’  Yes, my second ex from way, way back when I thought having a lover in life was a possibility.  He and other friends have been concerned because I have been distant, I haven’t been sociable in a while.  The fact that I haven’t done a show in almost a year and a half shocks them.  I no longer conform and sit and chit chat about this or that.  I live alone now.  I have given away or trashed most – and I do mean most - of my earthly possessions.  I seem depressed.  Even suicidal.

I have thought, Mom, that I may be seeing you again sooner rather than later and no, I am not suicidal.  Though, I do realize why some may think that about me because I have drastically changed in recent years.  That is because so much LIFE has been happening, but Austin is right and so is Keronce, I haven’t been truly living it fully for awhile.

That is for sure, Mom.  You see, as a caregiver and even though I know people die, I felt a lot of guilt after Doug’s passing.  Even though everybody says I did all I could, even he touted about how I went above and beyond a mere ‘roommate,’ even friend.  I felt I should have done more.  I shouldn’t have worked so much, though I was doing that for the both of us and in case I would have to take over the bills if he had to go to a nursing home or rehab facility.  That all came to pass, and I had to take over any way, but it wasn’t what I ever imagined and not when I thought it would happen either.

I look back on that night before and hindsight reveals itself clearer in its reflection.  When Doug was going through his nightly litany and abruptly stopped, he was looking out and over at the closed blinds to the patio.  It was as though he was looking out in to eternity though, thinking back.  I wonder did he have an inkling.  Did he know?  That cat knew, that is for certain. 

Doug’s daughter helped me find a new home for Sam, the cat.  It was one of Doug’s bartender friends.  He generously came to get Sam the week after Doug passed away and he, himself suddenly passed away three weeks later.  I never really knew what happened to the cat and it is one of the biggest regrets I have had in life.  I should have done better. Of course, my better sense tells me that I didn’t know that guy was gonna die, but he did.

I miss Doug and his friendship terribly.  He was a great listener, very supportive of my art and he reminded me of the best of an era of people from my life – you, dad, and Googles (my Grandma Margaret, as a reminder for my readers).  He reminded me of home through his stories, his wit, his cooking and caring for him was a reminder of the most basic fundamentals about life you all taught me.

You would think I would take comfort in that alone and knowing from the man himself that he knew I did all I could for him would be enough, and it should be.  I pray about it and for peace of my mind, heart and soul all the time because I do realize more and more about my own mortality, the older I get.  I know I am closer to the end, much more than the beginning and even the middle and like a reflection over a calming pond it reveals itself clearer with each passing moment, as it quells itself still.

I look back on our family history. You and Dad died in your 50s, now Mike; not to mention most of the Cassone men died before 60, except for Uncle Don and Uncle Tony.  So, how much time do I have really?  Given family health history and my own bad health and some questionable life decisions.  I know that sounds cynical and final, but it is truly how I feel and while I can say I haven’t given up on life, because I haven’t – but I sure as hell doubt I will ever be truly happy in it.  So, why stick around?

For the service of and to love others one could say, okay – maybe.  For my art, why bother? Nobody really pays attention to me.  I create all this art – numerous books, galleries of photography, videos, did drag shows, plays, et and if I am honest with myself, Mom…  Not too many are paying attention. So, why the hell should I keep creating if I have no audience?  What is the effing point?  Pardon me.

Sometimes I feel like I am feeling sorry for myself and should just create because God gave me this talent and I should be ashamed to even question my gifts, and just keep giving.  Keep creating and whatever happens, happens.  The artist in me tells me that, Mom.  You in me tells me that, because I can hear you telling me to keep going.  To calm down and just ‘go with the flow.’”

But lately, I am tired … REALLY tired and just can’t bring myself to that creative space and it is a killer of the spirit.  Then when people pressure me to do, do, do – it is all for naught. 

One can go with the flow only so long before they find themselves drowning.

So, when people push and pry and wonder why I haven’t done any shows – or why this - or why that; I honestly have nothing for them.  Like I said, too much life (and death) going on.  Suicide is not an option for me because I have lost a few to that and while I don’t curse them for their decision, it isn’t for me – especially now that I know what it feels like to be one left behind by someone who does such.  That is just about the amount of fight I have in me and that is where I actually DO find some hope.

Mom, it is a constant, daily fight to keep going, but I do it just because that is what one does.  I hope I do find it in me to keep creating my art; whether I find an audience or not.  I do know God has blessed me with it.  I know I am resilient, you taught me to be.  I also ask you to pray for my anxiety to go away, or at least pare down considerably.  That has a lot to do with my distancing myself from people, from situations, crowds and such.  The more time goes by, the more anxious I get and the more reclusive I become.

It’s ironic, I used to joke that ‘I want to be a recluse when I grow up.’  It’s not that funny anymore.  When one cringes and jumps when the phone rings, it is past ludicrous.  And I am supposed to get in drag and face a critical crowd?  I will take a pass on that one for now, thank you.

*****

One last thing, I want you to know that I now know about the ‘secret’ you were telling me about on your last birthday.  I am no longer staying silent about it and whoever reads this and finds out about it will just have to deal with it.  I have been dealing with it – for years and it isn’t a bad thing at all.  No shame in it for any reason and I am actually PROUD OF YOU!!!!  I am so glad you told me, and I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do with that information, but I feel it is the right thing because the person tried to reach out to me and I was willing.  However, something happened, and I don’t know if it got lost in translation, but if they are reading this I am ready to meet you now and I hope it is not too late.

It was your last birthday on earth, Mom.  Who knew then you would pass away six months later?  God, if only I knew.  Anyway, you were so cool that day. The older I got, the more you treated me as an equal adult and it made our relationship so special.  I could share anything with you like a best friend.  You were my best friend, though I didn’t know it then. You just had to get it off your chest and yet you didn’t come right out with the exact details, but lead me to believe you had another child before the siblings I know.  I didn’t know what had happened, but you made it clear it was one of your big regrets and you always wondered what if…? 

At the time, I didn’t press it and we carried on like two Judy’s.  Remember the ride home. As we listened to Shirley Bassey and Tina Turner, you pointed out that huge rainbow in the sky and told me that is where all ‘your dreams and desires lay.’  You and Dad both had romantic views on such things like rainbows, the moon and stars.  It is where I get it from.

Well, about five years ago, a social worker from a Michigan adoption agency reached out to me telling me of an older brother who was looking for his birth family.  He discovered me when he sought you out only to discover your death certificate in the agencies search.  Since I was the one who reported your death and am the lone Cassone of your children, I was the one they reached.  I granted them permission and gave them all of my personal information for him (my new eldest brother/sibling) to contact me.

They told me that he may or may not contact me now that he knew you had passed away, but ‘one never knows.’  He may have tried to contact me, I don’t know for sure.  I did share with one of my other siblings about it, but again – we keep family secrets secret.  I don’t know if he looked me up and saw all the drag and just couldn’t do it – or what.

What I can tell you, Mom – and what the take away for me was – he did seek you out!  And that was the most important thing, to me.  If he didn’t know and if he ever reads this, I want him to know that the woman who spoke to me on her last birthday on this earth about him spoke to me in a whisper, but it was as if she wanted to shout it out to the world.  She loved all of her children, but in her life, her home situation at 19 years of age, fresh out of high school… there was no way Googles was going to let her have a baby in her house (could have been the case), nor did she have the means at the time to properly take care of it and she surely was not going to have an abortion.

Mom, I know you would have raised him as your own if you could have at the time and your best showcase of love was to give him up to someone who could.  The best thing is that the adoption agency told me the man had a great life, a great upbringing, thrived in school and his career; had a loving wife and three sons (if I remember correctly) – all who were also thriving in life.  You probably already know this all by now and so does everybody else up there… LOL. 

I hope he reads this and sends me a message. 

We will just put that out in to the universe.

Mom, I still pray to you and for you nightly and even though I don’t call people on the phone like I used to, I know you know I think about and pray for them nightly as well.  Some have passed on and most, thankfully (for my own selfish reasons) are still here in the present.  Though their circumstances change, my prayer remains the same, as I have my own litany and it grows and grows daily to all the people who have touched me in this life.

That is the number one fundamental thing I am most thankful to you for, Mom.  You taught me how to pray and all about faith and “going with the flow.”  Thank you because without it, I truly don’t know where I would be as it can always, always be worse.

Blessings, love & (((Diva Hugs))),

Your son,

(I go by) Cassone (now) 😊

TBT - My Mom - I Miss Her

♥️

Throwback Thursday

A smattering of old photos.... Most pics in this post are from the early days of my drag career, unless otherwise noted.

 Calvin the Cat

 Anya, Me and some peeps

 Nkosi aka David Davidson, my son-in-show

Mom and I (when I was little lol)

Cassone's Cooking: Grandma Sharon's Baked Macaroni and Cheese

A little something different for my YouTube and friends, family and online buddies from around the world. Enjoy one of my mother's signature dishes. This delightful, hearty favorite of mine is nothing, but pure comfort food that will remind you of home and make your toes curl from the pure tastiness. Try it out as a meal or you can throw it on the side to a serving of your favorite fish or ham, with a bit of spinach or green beans to balance it out. Let me know how yours turns out.

Grandma Sharon's Macaroni & Cheese

Ingredients:

1 lb. of Barilla Elbow Macaroni

Large Jar of Kraft Cheez Whiz

American Cheese Slices (about 12; quartered)

1/2 Cup of Milk

Oregano (optional)

1/3 cup of Ranch Dressing (optional)

Salt (optional)

Tablespoon of Vegetable Oil or Cooking Spray (optional)

Preheat oven to 375 degrees.

Bring medium to large pot of water to boil (so the pasta can breathe).

Boil the elbow macaroni 7 minutes or until it's al dente, but not too long because it's all gonna get thrown together and put in the oven.

Drain pasta.

Microwave Cheez Whiz for about 45 seconds to a minute to loosen it up in the jar.

Pour Cheez Whiz in the pot the macaroni was in.

Now would be a good time to add a few dashes of oregano to give a little extra zinger (optional). Oregano is like glitter for food, and we all love glitter.

Also this would be a good time to add the ranch dressing (optional) - this changes it up, in case it becomes a regular side dish for you and your family.

Add the drained pasta.

Stir it up until it's mixed pretty good.

Mom always told me the secret to her miracles in the kitchen were in the blending and stirring. Just like makeup, cooking takes on some of the same dimensions.

Take the mixture and pour it into a rectangle baking dish/pan.

Smooth the mixture into the pan, so it all lays over the entire pan in one layer.

Quarter your cheese slices and top the layer with them (this will eventually give you a nice brown crust on top - hopefully).

Add the milk as evenly on top as possible.

Watch it ease on down into the mixture.

Loveliness.

Add a little salt on top (optional, but helps form that brown crust I was speaking of earlier).

Bake 20 minutes or so - long enough to enjoy a spot of wine...

Let stand about five minutes on counter, serve and enjoy!

Check out the video on my YouTube Channel...

Thank YOU!

Happy Birthday, Mom - I Miss YOU

Wow!

It has been ten years since you left me.

A lot has happened.

First of all... Happy Birthday, Mom - you would have been 69 years old today.

Since then I have been through many trials, some tribulations and, lately, I have even been blessed with a few triumphs sprinkled along the way.

Dan, Mike & Sue all send their love I am sure... All are living their lives best they can I suppose. I talk to Dan more so than anyone in the family. He seems to be the only one I can talk to. I know how you used to try to instill in me about forgiving and forgetting; accepting people for who they are. You know, I think that is just making excuses for some people, but that's not what this letter is all about.

I was reunited with my niece earlier this year...thank you, because I truly have faith that you had something to do with orchestrating that.

Nephew is coming along; learning lessons from the exuberance of youth, I am sure. Bottom line, like all of us, he's a good kid at heart; just trying to grow up too fast I suppose.

How's Dad?

Tell him he's been getting raves for his 'Ave Maria' recording - yeah, I did it - it's out there - people from all over the world are listening to him sing. It's incredible. A lady from Italy, a guy from Ireland, a family from the United Arab Emirates for crying out loud! That thing called the Internet that you never got a chance to really experience while you were here, it's a wonderful thing - if used wisely.

It reminds me of you in a lot of ways: it's useful, can help get a lot of things accomplished in a short time and brings people together.

I know you already know about all those who have passed on to your neck of the woods - I know it sounds funny, but tell them all that I hope all has been fabulous with them.

Tell Trudi that I am sorry I never got to say goodbye to her...even though she made it well into her 70s, I was actually shocked she passed on - she really seemed like one that would out live us all.

I am not sad or depressed...people think I throw myself too much into my art, my writing, these videos I am sure you've seen some of from up there; always working, always doing...

I guess, in all honesty Mom - I am trying to leave my legacy. That word gets tossed around so much and I just remember how talented you were with the painting, cooking, photography and writing and Dad with his singing and writings, as well (yes, I discovered his poems he wrote you after you passed - I was floored at their simplicity and beauty)...

See, you had all these talents - the two of you - and he would mope and wonder what if... sure, he raised a family and had to do what he had to do. I could never even begin to know what that is like, BUT I do still make it happen just like I did when you were here...more so now that I moved 1200 miles away from home. So, I pump the art out like 'nothing' to some because I don't get caught up in what if's and worry about how much I will make, or what I will get from it.

I produce, write it, publish it, post it and done - onto the next thing, Mom - you taught me all the time about letting go and letting God...I have recently discovered that I do that in my everyday life; like all the time...with each poem, each blog, each video, each job at the day gig, each task at hand - I do what I do and I move on...

I have found this is the best way for me and you and Dad taught me to be this way all along the way. I moved so far away from home partially due to circumstance, but mostly running to get as far away as possible...yet keeping my sense about me. It had to be doable. Diva and David made it so easy for me. They are wonderful, amazing friends. My inate adaptable persona helped too - and I have thrived in so many ways.

Pam sort of picked up where you left off insofar as 'motherly' advice and just simply loving me for me. I also think you orchestrated that somehow too... because even though I knew her before you passed away, she really stepped in and hasn't stopped doing so since. You have no idea what her friendship means to me. Although, after watching you with your friends over the years, I am sure you actually do know.

Anya is doing well...thanks for saving her from that car wreck earlier this year. When we realized about the time of year that happened and how you used to speak about guardian angels all the time...well, it just made sense. Ah, Anya is like a cat anyway - I am sure she has plenty more lives, but it sure was a nice save by whoever was watching out for her that day.

If I were still a gambling man, I would think you had something to do with that too.

So, to celebrate your birthday these past few years I take the day off from the 'day job' and create things artistic in honor of all the support you and Dad both gave me (I do the same when his birthday comes around in May) throughout your lives. You have no idea how much your encouragement especially has developed and molded me into not only the artist I am today, but the PERSON I am trying to become.

Thank YOU - I firmly do believe that even though I can not physically see or touch or talk to you - I feel your presence around me all the time.

It is in the beauty I see in the morning sunrise.

It is in the smile I see from the many faces in the crowd, as I walk by and say hello to everybody - 'even if they never say hello back to me.'

It shows up when I look upon two birds bickering about the bushes and I think of you bantering around back and forth with an old girlfriend.

I see it in a batch of freshly baked biscuits or your baked macaroni and cheese.

I hear it when my dear brother, Dan, and I just sit back and laugh about nothing at all important.

I hear it when Pam is telling me like it is; or when Diva lets me have it for something silly or less than me.

I hear it whenever I hear some Luciano Pavarotti, Barbra Streisand, Tina Turner or Judy Garland, oh how the list of music could go on and on...

I feel it when the wind hits me just right on the face and I breathe in the ocean air, which calms me slightly during an ever stressful day.

I feel it when I lay alone in the dark and it seems like someone else is in the room...yet, I am not afraid.

I feel it - in my soul - when I see a lit candle; all by itself.

Most of all, I sense you praying all the time - you never stopped when you were here and I never stop now...that is why I know it with all my heart and soul.

We always took the weight of the world on.

Always allowing people to say what they will about whatever because 'they were leaving someone else alone.'

'We pray in times both good and bad,
Even more so when happy than sad
Because God hears all prayers everyday,
Which surely will keep that damn devil away'

Our little mantra, yes - I still remember...

And I always will...

Especially this 4th day of September...

Blessings and love,
Your son and friend,
Antonio