Betty White - I Love to Laugh

enjoy life

Life Happens...

My hiatus from this blog is finally over. My life has been complicated the past year or so; fighting ilnness, going back to work, getting back on my feet. That being said, it has been quite a learning experience. I may look windblown and tattered, but I am battle tested and ready to start living again. If you feel your mental health is slipping, take it seriously and ASK FOR HELP. There are so many resources out here, even still in these trying times.

Tree of Life

The Tree of Life is a symbolic representation of the interconnectedness of all living things. It is a metaphorical tree that connects heaven and earth, and its branches and roots stretch out to encompass all of existence. The tree is often depicted with its roots in the earth, its trunk in the present moment, and its branches reaching up towards the sky, symbolizing the connection between the past, present, and future.

The Tree of Life has its roots in many ancient cultures and spiritual traditions, including:

- Celtic culture, where it represented the connection between the natural and spiritual worlds

- Norse mythology, where it was known as Yggdrasil and held the nine worlds together

- African cultures, where it symbolized the connection between the living and the ancestors

- Mayan culture, where it represented the cycle of life and death

The Tree of Life is often associated with themes such as:

- Unity and interconnectedness

- Cycles of life and death

- Spiritual growth and transformation

- Connection to nature and the environment

- Ancestry and heritage

In modern times, the Tree of Life has become a popular symbol in various contexts, including art, literature, and spirituality. It continues to inspire and represent the beauty and complexity of life and our place within the world.

Good morning - October 28, 2018 - Zen Life Buddha - Photography by Cassone

Preacher Lawson - How To Make A Natural Protein Shake - Life Hack

Getting Ready 1.4

An Open Letter to My Mom on Her 78th Birthday

Dear Mom,

Happy birthday, Mom.  Here we are at the dawning of another September 4^th, as you would have been 78 years old, if you were still ‘alive’ – though I still feel your presence here now more than ever.  Next March will mark the 20^th year since your passing and this upcoming October will be 23 years since Dad passed away.  I marvel at how much time has gone by, yet sometimes it seems as though we were talking just yesterday.  People say it gets easier with the passing of time, yet I tend to think that notion is just to make one feel better.  Losing loved one’s sucks and the older I get; the more people pass on and with much more frequency it seems.  Especially in this day of social media.  I know you don’t know too much about that, or maybe you do.  Well, with it, one seems to find out about even more passing’s – sometimes daily.  So, you can tend to feel like you are in a constant grieving period.

I am sure you know Mike passed away last August.  I hadn’t realized losing a sibling would be so hard, but it is.  The difficulty lies in the guilt I feel that he and I weren’t closer than maybe we could have been, and the sadness remains that I am not that close with my remaining siblings.  I love them, I think they know that I love them, but because of my own life issues – especially in recent years – I just keep them at an arm’s length distance.  It is safer – for me.  Besides when I bring you up to my sister all she does is criticize you.  After all these years, she won’t let you rest in peace and as smart as she is; the more she lashes out AT me ABOUT you, the further I want to run away from her.  Dan, on the other hand, I love and respect and feel like he and I are alike more so regarding needing space simply because we are hardworking people.  I have always felt closest to him.  As for your grandkids, oh my goodness, you would be so very proud of both of them and all they have accomplished.

You see, I have lost a lot of people.  I take care of them, nurture, nurse… you know, that is me. The caregiver.  Since I moved down to Florida twelve years ago, I had two roommates, Walter and Doug, who I cared for through their lengthy illnesses and saw them pass away.  Walter was sad enough, but Doug – I didn’t see it coming.  Even though he was in such declining health for so long, he was still making plans.  Daily he would run through a seeming, endless litany of things he still wanted to do, places he wanted to go, visits to his daughter and her family, seeing his granddaughter grow up.  Even up to the night before he died.

I had worked a ridiculously long day that day.  Looking back, I have noted it was my longest shift ever at my ‘day’ job. Anyway, I had put in a near 15-hour day.  I kept up with Doug throughout that day, per usual, checking on him via phone calls and text messages. He had a scheduled doctor’s appointment the next day and he called me around 9:30pm to tell me to not be mad, but he was gonna go ahead and take his shower and he would call me after he was done and settled.  One of our rules/agreements through his health dip was that I or one of his health aides were to be there any time he showered.  I hesitantly agreed and stressed for an hour and a half before he called me back to tell me he was all done.  Fresh and clean as a whistle, he laughingly reported.  We quipped and joked as we normally had, and he was to order himself some dinner for delivery.

By the time I got home just before midnight, I was surely exhausted.  Doug was in the middle of his seemingly realized very late dinner and was chatty.  I just sat at the dining room table sort of in a stupor, knowing I had to be up in just a handful of hours to do it all over again.  Between Doug’s chatter and our crazy cat, Sam, meowing his head off, I just smiled and nodded.  Normally, when I would work these crazy hours, I still tried to take the time to sit with Doug on the patio and chit chat over a cocktail.  I couldn’t do it that night, but I wish I had.

In a profound move, after Doug had been talking for a bit to my ever-growing silence, he wheeled himself half way out of his bedroom.  He just kinda hung there – halfway in the doorway to the living/dining room area yet remaining partly in his bedroom.  It occurred to me that he stopped talking and interrupted his very late dinner to check on me.  Once he saw that I was too tired, and we weren’t going to go on the patio for our nightly kiki, which I think he figured that since he had already closed the patio blinds for the night, he started on that daily litany of things he still wanted to do.  Only this time, among the getting back to driving again, visiting his family, going to hang out with his bar buddies – he abruptly said, “Well, meh…” stopped; long staring at the unopened blinds – and wheeled himself back in to his room, almost defeated.  The abrupt ending was my cue to head to bed for the night.  I told him good night and went to retire to my room.  As I laid in bed, I realized I didn’t tell him ‘I love you’ as I normally did.  Now, settled in to my bed, I was too tired to get back up.

The next morning, it was a scurry as I rushed to get ready for my ride to pick me up.  My good friend, Val, an angel on earth who I swear you sent to me to help me get through life – along with Pam, Albert, Anya, Keronce, Diva, John, Cat and Judy, any queen that ever gave me a gig, a handful of coworkers and prayer warriors like Gladys and Kaiwana – the angels on earth in my life are countless – praise God.  Anyway, Doug happened to be up and was doing his normal morning routine, as he had that doctor’s appointment later that day, we quipped and joked like two Judy’s – per usual.  As I hurried out the door, I said, ‘see you later’ and while rushing to the car, I realized (in passing) that again, I didn’t say ‘I love you.’

Work was all a fluster, issue after issue was hitting me harder than usual that day.  In hindsight, it was almost as though the stars were aligned to have me be very busy and very distracted.  I was so frantic that my coworker, Felicia, could see it in my face I was uber stressed and she treated me to lunch that day.  Something she had never done before, but I was glad she did, and little did I know at the time that was more of a spiritual gesture.  A prayer warrior herself, I later recognized that as a spirit to spirit connection.  It was like God was guiding someone to get me the nourishment to get me through the rest of a very long day.  

Twice along the way that day, I thought to call and check on Doug – per usual, but got distracted and kept reminding myself he had that doctor’s appointment and we would catch up later.  Mom, it never happened.  I was on a crisis call with a vendor, when at 3:00pm my cell phone rang.  Once I saw it was Doug’s daughter on the caller ID, my heart sank.  I quickly ended the call with the vendor on my work phone and picked up my cell phone.  She told me with fierce and sudden fashion, that the transportation for his doctor’s office had picked him up, he coded and died suddenly in transit to the doctor’s appointment.

I just flung the cell phone across my desk and howled.  I was crying uncontrollably – and according to co-workers – quite loudly.  I couldn’t contain myself for several minutes.  It was a shock to my universe.  I cried so hard, I hollered.  It was a deep, guttural soul cry.  I was inconsolable.  It is the sound you never forget, and I am always surprised when I realize it is coming from me.  There have only been three other times in life I have made such a sound and that was when I lost you and our dear friend, Ramona and when I realized someone I really, really loved was never going to love me back in the same way.  I remember, Rosa, my office mate’s look on her face, like “Damn.” That just happened?  Not realizing all the while, his poor daughter heard all of it and was patiently waiting for me to pick the phone up.  I had to get out of there.

I wanted to get home; quick, fast and in a hurry and thankfully my co-worker Catherine got me there.  The first thing I noticed when I got home was how calm Sam, the cat, was.  All the week before, he was hounding Doug, constantly up under him and kept trying to get our attention in many ways, unlike before.  He even once got up in the bed with Doug and got in his face, meowing frantically and the poor dear feline got his tail run over by Doug’s wheelchair because he was following him so closely.  And now he was normal just like that *snaps fingers* – it freaked me out.  That cat had to find another home, Mom.  Anyway, I settled myself and called his daughter back and then it was all about planning for life after Doug,

Here today, gone today.

Losing Doug is right up there with you, Dad, Googles and Mike.  He was like a second father to me, I now know and realize.  He knew it too.  We only knew each other a handful of years.  When I first moved in with him, he was on a cane, then the walker, then the wheelchair.  I took care of him because he took me in and helped me, like so many others.  I slowly witnessed his social circle dwindle the sicker he got.  I got to the point where I couldn’t see leaving the situation.  I left Walter a week before he went in to a nursing home, only because his frantic lover drove me out and lied to and about me to his sister or lied to me about his sister – that situation got so effed up that I thought the lover was plotting my death at one point, so I HAD to leave.  But when it came to Doug, no way.  I was in it for the long haul.  Despite all his health issues, we laughed more than we cried.  He was a sweet, funny, vibrant and loving friend.  I am all about duty and trying to do right by people – it was how you raised me, and Lord knows I had a lot of practice by taking care of you.

My faith tells me that you already know about all of this and all that happened before this and since.  I would like to think you and Mike have reconciled and both of you have met Doug, and Walter, all the many others who have passed away since my last letter to you nine years ago.  I share it with you because you, of all the people ever to know me in life know that writing, creating, even doing my drag shows, my photography – all of it – is my therapy.  Keronce, of all people, gets on me all the time to get to it.  I am not living.  I am no longer utilizing my God-given talents, like I was put on this earth to do and he wants to know why. I am afraid to live. I am afraid to be happy, because I don’t know what true happiness looks like, Mom.  That is one of the reasons why.

*****

Austin called me out of the blue last week to ‘check on me.’  Yes, my second ex from way, way back when I thought having a lover in life was a possibility.  He and other friends have been concerned because I have been distant, I haven’t been sociable in a while.  The fact that I haven’t done a show in almost a year and a half shocks them.  I no longer conform and sit and chit chat about this or that.  I live alone now.  I have given away or trashed most – and I do mean most - of my earthly possessions.  I seem depressed.  Even suicidal.

I have thought, Mom, that I may be seeing you again sooner rather than later and no, I am not suicidal.  Though, I do realize why some may think that about me because I have drastically changed in recent years.  That is because so much LIFE has been happening, but Austin is right and so is Keronce, I haven’t been truly living it fully for awhile.

That is for sure, Mom.  You see, as a caregiver and even though I know people die, I felt a lot of guilt after Doug’s passing.  Even though everybody says I did all I could, even he touted about how I went above and beyond a mere ‘roommate,’ even friend.  I felt I should have done more.  I shouldn’t have worked so much, though I was doing that for the both of us and in case I would have to take over the bills if he had to go to a nursing home or rehab facility.  That all came to pass, and I had to take over any way, but it wasn’t what I ever imagined and not when I thought it would happen either.

I look back on that night before and hindsight reveals itself clearer in its reflection.  When Doug was going through his nightly litany and abruptly stopped, he was looking out and over at the closed blinds to the patio.  It was as though he was looking out in to eternity though, thinking back.  I wonder did he have an inkling.  Did he know?  That cat knew, that is for certain. 

Doug’s daughter helped me find a new home for Sam, the cat.  It was one of Doug’s bartender friends.  He generously came to get Sam the week after Doug passed away and he, himself suddenly passed away three weeks later.  I never really knew what happened to the cat and it is one of the biggest regrets I have had in life.  I should have done better. Of course, my better sense tells me that I didn’t know that guy was gonna die, but he did.

I miss Doug and his friendship terribly.  He was a great listener, very supportive of my art and he reminded me of the best of an era of people from my life – you, dad, and Googles (my Grandma Margaret, as a reminder for my readers).  He reminded me of home through his stories, his wit, his cooking and caring for him was a reminder of the most basic fundamentals about life you all taught me.

You would think I would take comfort in that alone and knowing from the man himself that he knew I did all I could for him would be enough, and it should be.  I pray about it and for peace of my mind, heart and soul all the time because I do realize more and more about my own mortality, the older I get.  I know I am closer to the end, much more than the beginning and even the middle and like a reflection over a calming pond it reveals itself clearer with each passing moment, as it quells itself still.

I look back on our family history. You and Dad died in your 50s, now Mike; not to mention most of the Cassone men died before 60, except for Uncle Don and Uncle Tony.  So, how much time do I have really?  Given family health history and my own bad health and some questionable life decisions.  I know that sounds cynical and final, but it is truly how I feel and while I can say I haven’t given up on life, because I haven’t – but I sure as hell doubt I will ever be truly happy in it.  So, why stick around?

For the service of and to love others one could say, okay – maybe.  For my art, why bother? Nobody really pays attention to me.  I create all this art – numerous books, galleries of photography, videos, did drag shows, plays, et and if I am honest with myself, Mom…  Not too many are paying attention. So, why the hell should I keep creating if I have no audience?  What is the effing point?  Pardon me.

Sometimes I feel like I am feeling sorry for myself and should just create because God gave me this talent and I should be ashamed to even question my gifts, and just keep giving.  Keep creating and whatever happens, happens.  The artist in me tells me that, Mom.  You in me tells me that, because I can hear you telling me to keep going.  To calm down and just ‘go with the flow.’”

But lately, I am tired … REALLY tired and just can’t bring myself to that creative space and it is a killer of the spirit.  Then when people pressure me to do, do, do – it is all for naught. 

One can go with the flow only so long before they find themselves drowning.

So, when people push and pry and wonder why I haven’t done any shows – or why this - or why that; I honestly have nothing for them.  Like I said, too much life (and death) going on.  Suicide is not an option for me because I have lost a few to that and while I don’t curse them for their decision, it isn’t for me – especially now that I know what it feels like to be one left behind by someone who does such.  That is just about the amount of fight I have in me and that is where I actually DO find some hope.

Mom, it is a constant, daily fight to keep going, but I do it just because that is what one does.  I hope I do find it in me to keep creating my art; whether I find an audience or not.  I do know God has blessed me with it.  I know I am resilient, you taught me to be.  I also ask you to pray for my anxiety to go away, or at least pare down considerably.  That has a lot to do with my distancing myself from people, from situations, crowds and such.  The more time goes by, the more anxious I get and the more reclusive I become.

It’s ironic, I used to joke that ‘I want to be a recluse when I grow up.’  It’s not that funny anymore.  When one cringes and jumps when the phone rings, it is past ludicrous.  And I am supposed to get in drag and face a critical crowd?  I will take a pass on that one for now, thank you.

*****

One last thing, I want you to know that I now know about the ‘secret’ you were telling me about on your last birthday.  I am no longer staying silent about it and whoever reads this and finds out about it will just have to deal with it.  I have been dealing with it – for years and it isn’t a bad thing at all.  No shame in it for any reason and I am actually PROUD OF YOU!!!!  I am so glad you told me, and I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do with that information, but I feel it is the right thing because the person tried to reach out to me and I was willing.  However, something happened, and I don’t know if it got lost in translation, but if they are reading this I am ready to meet you now and I hope it is not too late.

It was your last birthday on earth, Mom.  Who knew then you would pass away six months later?  God, if only I knew.  Anyway, you were so cool that day. The older I got, the more you treated me as an equal adult and it made our relationship so special.  I could share anything with you like a best friend.  You were my best friend, though I didn’t know it then. You just had to get it off your chest and yet you didn’t come right out with the exact details, but lead me to believe you had another child before the siblings I know.  I didn’t know what had happened, but you made it clear it was one of your big regrets and you always wondered what if…? 

At the time, I didn’t press it and we carried on like two Judy’s.  Remember the ride home. As we listened to Shirley Bassey and Tina Turner, you pointed out that huge rainbow in the sky and told me that is where all ‘your dreams and desires lay.’  You and Dad both had romantic views on such things like rainbows, the moon and stars.  It is where I get it from.

Well, about five years ago, a social worker from a Michigan adoption agency reached out to me telling me of an older brother who was looking for his birth family.  He discovered me when he sought you out only to discover your death certificate in the agencies search.  Since I was the one who reported your death and am the lone Cassone of your children, I was the one they reached.  I granted them permission and gave them all of my personal information for him (my new eldest brother/sibling) to contact me.

They told me that he may or may not contact me now that he knew you had passed away, but ‘one never knows.’  He may have tried to contact me, I don’t know for sure.  I did share with one of my other siblings about it, but again – we keep family secrets secret.  I don’t know if he looked me up and saw all the drag and just couldn’t do it – or what.

What I can tell you, Mom – and what the take away for me was – he did seek you out!  And that was the most important thing, to me.  If he didn’t know and if he ever reads this, I want him to know that the woman who spoke to me on her last birthday on this earth about him spoke to me in a whisper, but it was as if she wanted to shout it out to the world.  She loved all of her children, but in her life, her home situation at 19 years of age, fresh out of high school… there was no way Googles was going to let her have a baby in her house (could have been the case), nor did she have the means at the time to properly take care of it and she surely was not going to have an abortion.

Mom, I know you would have raised him as your own if you could have at the time and your best showcase of love was to give him up to someone who could.  The best thing is that the adoption agency told me the man had a great life, a great upbringing, thrived in school and his career; had a loving wife and three sons (if I remember correctly) – all who were also thriving in life.  You probably already know this all by now and so does everybody else up there… LOL. 

I hope he reads this and sends me a message. 

We will just put that out in to the universe.

Mom, I still pray to you and for you nightly and even though I don’t call people on the phone like I used to, I know you know I think about and pray for them nightly as well.  Some have passed on and most, thankfully (for my own selfish reasons) are still here in the present.  Though their circumstances change, my prayer remains the same, as I have my own litany and it grows and grows daily to all the people who have touched me in this life.

That is the number one fundamental thing I am most thankful to you for, Mom.  You taught me how to pray and all about faith and “going with the flow.”  Thank you because without it, I truly don’t know where I would be as it can always, always be worse.

Blessings, love & (((Diva Hugs))),

Your son,

(I go by) Cassone (now) 😊

Episode 1 (Life In LA)

Diva/Cassone: A Collection of Poetry - The Reconstruction Edition by Antonio Cassone

 

In their seventh publication (a reproduction of their first volume of poetry with selected new works), Antonio Cassone breathes new life into the original work and shares even more insights about life and paying tribute to special people in the author’s life.  The book covers a wide array of topics.  Nature, divas, friendship, toxic relationships, politics are covered in this work.  Throughout are various selections about diverse forms of love – being in it, discovering it, losing it, desiring ‘thug’ passion and the ecstatic heat from it, fatal lust and even the death of love itself.  Included is a mini-collection, ”The FLIP Series,” along with a few individual ones about a gay man’s desire for a ‘straight’ or heterosexual man in their life that he can’t ‘be with’ and the repressed feelings that go with it – in order to save face and at least have a friendship.  As is custom with Cassone’s previous works there are many tributes.  The living tributes are to an NBA basketball player, a MMA fighter, several legendary entertainers from Detroit’s female impersonation circuit, a lady who is like a second mother, a couple of impressive past co-workers, the Performers Awards of Detroit & Cassone’s friend for nearly 30 years, Diva Kingsley.  There are also several tributes to those who have passed on including friends, parents of friends who inspired the writer and a “very dear one” with a back story from the author’s blog.  Finally, Cassone’s commemorative 9/11 poem, Tears Shrouded in Shards of Debris, also along with a back story article; a comedic piece about The Milk Man, contemporary women, a sermon and a visit to Hell cement the variety of this collection.  It is rounded out with a couple of answers to where it all comes from (the inspiration) for the artist. Born and raised in Detroit, now living in Fort Lauderdale, Cassone brings you this collection of poetic works as a “heart-piece” from the gracious writer to you, their ever accepting and growing readership.

This book is Available in both Paperback and Kindle Edition formats. Click here to visit the book's Page on Amazon. Thank you!

Getting Ready 3.1: Do Not Call Registry

Cassone  discusses life, work, weight gain, weight loss, depression, Dame Shirley Bassey, shows and friends in this webisode.  In this scene, he gets a surprise phone call from yet another telemerketer.

Check us out on YouTube – Please Subscribe (It’s Free!) http://www.youtube.com/cassone2007
Check out Antonio Cassone’s Author Page on Amazon at http://www.amazon.com/-/e/B003OC3MME
Thank YOU!

Father's Day (excerpt from my memoir, "Looking through the Naked Window")

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY to ALL the Dad's out there. As the years since my Dad passed away in 1995 have gone on, and especially since my Mom's passing in 1999, I have celebrated their lives on these holidays. And with each passing year of reflection and celebration; there are discoveries, fondnesses, smiles and, yes, a few tears. I share with you just a few photos I have left of my Dad; some with my Mom and some without. Life and circumstances has it to where I have lost a lot of photos along the way. And, sure, while we have the memories in our hearts there is nothing like looking back and looking at your loved ones beautiful faces.

Also, I bring to you an excerpt from season one of my memoir, Looking through the Naked Window; remember with my memoir the premise is what if your life were a made for television drama series (or in my case made-for-cable), where books in the series are referred to as 'seasons' and chapters are 'episodes.' This is episode 17, aptly titled Father's Day, here in it's entirety...Enjoy & Thank you!

~~~~~

Episode 17:
Father's Day

What my lives in the theatre, work and school provided was a huge relief from the reality we were facing with my father's steadily, deteriorating health. Oh, but wait - there's more...my grandmother, my dear understanding and giving Googles was seemingly going through the same exact ailments as my father. My mother and I also had to look after my great uncle Ralph, Googles religiously fanatical brother - a World War II vet.

So, I got very little sleep and my mother kept me busy, as I was sole runner for all involved, yet I somehow maintained enough of a business sense to get The Ecstasy complete, rehearse for both The Extravaganza and Lonely, while squeezing in a few much needed dates in between. That was a time when those so-called 'booty calls' meant so much to me, because it provided a great escape from the realities that were haunting me - even if I hadn't realized their pressing reality at the time. Blue and Ken were both great sounding boards for me during our late night, pre-dawn trysts at your local motel.

You see, as I came up, people like Dad and Googles, and even Uncle Ralph seemed indestructible. Sure, I am not stupid, I know people die, but I don't know ...I always thought I would have many years with my loved ones. You know, be blessed like some of my friends, who don't seem to know what they'll be missing when they talk negatively about their parents or grand parents. I shrug my shoulders and shake my head in disbelief when I hear such nonsense because in the scheme of things; we are so pressed for precious time and life is indeed short. Short in a sense that I was brought up to find good in everything and everybody, to pay attention to the details and to accept people for who they are.

A lot of my adult life, I would look at these people who are blessed to be well into their forties and fifties, yet pained by caring for an ill parent or better yet by having their parent's still in their lives. They don't know where I have been and while a friend of mine told me that was a sick way to think, to be jealous of such, I beg to differ. Yet that is the way of the world. What is a burden to one may not be a burden to others and so on. I just wish people could see what I went through. How I felt such a great sense of loss and sunk into a deep depression, - not once or twice, - but three times in my adult life. I am finally finding some sense of joy, but again - IT is a process.

The philosophies were instilled in me at a very young age by my parents, who for the most part, gave all of us kids our share of rough love. Looking back I don't think I would be the person I am today if it weren't for the foundation they laid for me. My father would get on my last nerve, always making me apologize to my mother when we'd argue. Hell, I only argued with her because she raised me to speak my mind. I did so with a sense of jurisprudence and with much conviction. She'd tell me if I thought something was wrong or someone was wrong, I should expose it. And I exposed my parents more often than not to their many oversights. However, my father explained to me one day that my mother also needed to be respected and she in turn would learn to respect me in time. He predicted that she and I would become "Judy's" or the best of friends.

Like he was gonna die or something... get outta here.

*

I honestly thought my father was just going through something... he was, but what it was would be devastating.

*
After many rigorous tests, trips to specialists, chiropractors and many painful, painful days there was a light at the end of my dad's tunnel. That year on Father's Day morning, bright and early at 6:30 am I drove my dad to the hospital for an MRI. I tell you, that was something that probably should have happened month's before, but I digress. What a way to spend Father's Day, which was a day he and I shared many fond memories over the years. That year, we had planned to go to breakfast, the Tiger's baseball game then meet up with Mom for dinner. We went on with our plans and I am glad we did - now.

My father labored through his soon-to-be revelation of a test.

Then we shared a nice breakfast and went to old Tiger Stadium. It was at the ball game that I witnessed my father found some comfort, at least for a little while. For some reason, unbeknownst to me at the time, I really paid attention to his every move that day; his singing the National Anthem and Take Me Out To The Ball Game, his enjoying a hot dog and beer, his telling me the differences in pitches, as he did so many times before, but this time it seemed to be worthy of a listen, his banging the empty seat next to him to cheer the home team on. He recalled how he and I celebrated the Tiger's winning the World Series in 1984 and how he was so happy he got to share that with me in his lifetime. He got to escape for a change and it was a wonderful memory.

*

On the flip side of a good memory...

*

Two days later, my mother received an urgent call from my dad's doctor. They were to go into his office bright and early the next day. My mother, at her most dramatic I am sure, mustered enough information from Dr. Jeffries to get him to agree to see them that evening. My mother had already grown tired of waiting until "tomorrow" for what she could find out today and spare another night of lost sleep due to worry. Her husband was in pain, whimpering like a damn child and she was downright angry about it. She wanted to know what the hell it could be that a simple blood test or x-ray couldn't pick up. What exactly was it that was making her 'bear' act more like a cub every day?

CANCER...

It was official.

My father had lung cancer; more tests would reveal that it was small cell carcinoma. The reason he was in so much pain, more so than usual for his condition, was that he had huge massive tumors, which had collapsed two of his vertebrae in his spine. Surgery was needed to prevent paralysis. This was very bad news. My mother and I thought my father had passed his highest threshold for pain already, but we would soon find out he hadn't even reached the halfway point.

*

GUILTY...

I was for not really being there as much as I could have been for my parents. The more I heard about my father, the more I saw him suffer, the closer his surgery got, the more I dove head first into rehearsals. I drank myself stupid many nights trying to cope with my biggest fear, which was not so much my father dying as that seemed to be the inevitable. I saw the situation as hopeless and yet I failed to really let the reality of all the implications his impending death would have on my mother and I.

*

One night, near opening night for The Extravaganza, Lily and I were doing the sound check for The Ecstasy with Gary. Gary wanted to get it on with me again, for old time's sake. The funny thing is that Blue and Ken had both kept me as busy as could be and I had pulled a little shade during the recording of The Ecstasy. You see during that pivotal orgasmic moment on the recording, I whispered Gary's name in the background. I didn't do it out of spite, at least not when I did it. You could say I was spiteful subconsciously. I was just being funny and Scott, the engineer, hadn't even realized I did it. I masked it so well that, as many times as Gary played it back for sound check and for the sheer enjoyment of hearing my new masterpiece of the day - he never figured out my little prank.

Lily thought it was a hoot, a shady hoot, but a hoot nonetheless. The reason I did it, I told her, was because he had since gotten married, wanted to fool around with me and Lord knew who else. To top it off I couldn't see other people. Bullshit! I was dealing with enough, trying to keep my financial head above water with these productions, rehearsing two shows and dealing with the sick and dying members of my family. He certainly wasn't going to have yet another piece of me; I was already spreading myself too thin.

*

One night that week, where I was so harried with rehearsals, errands and doctor's appointments. Then there were the surgery preps for Dad, laundering soiled sheet after soiled sheet for Googles and a quick date here and a quick cocktail there. Not to mention the sound checks, casting calls and another rehearsal. There was also work, work and work. I was always running, running and running for my mother and Uncle Ralph. I always seemed to be in a tug of war and arguing with my siblings for not helping me out enough (at all). Only for them telling me my father was my father, not their father, but I quickly reminded them that our mother was our mother and my father raised them under his roof...one night that week, I haven't forgotten - I am coming to that - my siblings always made me feel like the lone Cassone. I admit, in my days of ultimate sins of the past, in moments of anger and spite, I even wished for them to be an abortion at one time or another. Am I wrong for that? Maybe.

*

One night, I came home and Dad had fallen out of bed. My mother couldn't do anything, but pace the floor and wait for me to get home. My beeper had been blown up on the drive home... The Extravaganza with Miranda's big debut was in three days and I was exhausted from all the energy I was forced to pump out on cue at a moment's notice from any taker at hand. So there I was, lifting my dad off the floor. The bulky weight of him, fighting gravity it took all the strength and patience I could muster to get him back in bed. It was exhausting. My father was crying because he felt ashamed for being so damned helpless. It was heartbreaking.

Then, I no more than caught my breath and my mother told me she hadn't been able to get Googles on the phone. She wanted me to go up to her flat and check on her. I took a chunk of chocolate cake up to her - not realizing what grim reality I was about to face. Upon getting up to her flat, I soon realized that Googles had also fallen. This was becoming more and more of the case and normally she would be able to crawl to the phone or pull herself up onto her bed. That time, on that day of all days, she had fallen down – hard - and couldn't get up. Now, I remind you she was a stickler for her pride and she had soiled herself. She was more worried about that disparaging fact than anything else. I mustered up enough strength to dig in, pick her up and carry her to her bed.

After all, I thought about what I had done to her credit card accounts; this was the least I could do. Guilt is a mother{expletive deleted for this post}! It will make or break you and will give you the strength to do the unthinkable. You see, I was always trying to do things for her to atone, but this was way beyond anything I had in mind. I will never forget how she clung to me and cried at her rescue. She seemed to have so much to work on with her very soul, at such an old age. Things were happening way too fast for all of us, and as I changed her soiled nightgown and looked away in respect of her pride, I thought, "What the {expletive deleted for this post} am I going to do?"

Not "why me?" Never "why me?" That's not good enough for where I come from, from what I am made of, but "what the {expletive deleted for this post} am I going to do, Lord?"

*

It was the night before The Extravaganza and my dad's tumultuous surgery would follow two days later. I was in quite the foul mood. Gary was kind enough to serve me drink after drink and with each passing cocktail the bitter bitch inside me showed her blistering cold face. I was outdone. I felt a bit betrayed that Diva Kingsley wouldn't be doing my makeup. There I was going through all of this shit with my family and she was no where to be found. I was on the brink of becoming what she was - a female impersonator - and didn't have a clue all of what it took. I still viewed the whole idea as an asinine joke. I still looked down on the likes of them unfavorably, due to Tiger's rejection of me.

I thought back to all the men I did oral favors for, but here I was practically in tears, sweaty and full of stage funk wondering where my favor was. When would I shine? When would a man love me? Just love me. Not want me to {expletive deleted for this post} and suck, just hold me and love me. I thought about how I had treated so many men so kindly, either with a kind word or gift or deed and how they mistreated me in return or just didn't take notice, or hell even dismissed me by making me feel invisible. Yet, I wasn't invisible when I was deep throating their manhood.

I certainly wasn't the man my father raised. Or was I? I had so much to say to him, but I couldn't bring it out. As expressive as I can be, again when it was for something or someone important... I was practically speechless and now that night before the opening I was drunk by rehearsal's end. I was drooling, sweaty and enebreated. Allen would be working the door the next night, yeah my third ex. He has been very supportive of me. He had the nerve to look down at me and tell me how disappointed he was in me. We went to the bathroom and in my drunken state, I pretty much told him to go to hell. I told him that he didn't have a clue what I was going through.

I mean, people go through shit, but I had so much thrown on me at once and all he could do was scold me and make me feel bad. {Expletive deleted for this post} him! I couldn't believe he did that. He always had a way to make people feel common next to him and he wasn't going to make me feel stupid, not that time. I told him he was kicking a dog who was down and to leave me the {expletive deleted for this post} alone, save it for Marshall (- his new lover of over a year at the time). Then, it turned into an argument that wasn't about what it initially started about. Has that ever happened to you? It's very powerful, if you can manipulate it and I did. It was wonderful.

Instead of hugging me and being a friend to me in a down moment, he thought he would just let me have it. Well, I wasn't having any part of it and people in the cast and crew were both shocked and appalled at our fierce argument. None of them could believe I had gotten that drunk on the set. To hell with them all, I thought. It was MY show, with MY money and MY ideas and it was MY father who was dying and MY grand mother who was sick and MY mother who was increasingly needier and needier and I needed some {expletive deleted for this post} attention!!!! And I got it, oh boy did I ever...by the time I left them all I had pissed most of them off and had showed my definitive ego. As I cried in my car, I was afraid I was too drunk to drive home. I actually questioned myself on whether they would show up and do the show the next night...

and you know what...

{in a whisper} I didn't give a damn...


_________

Looking through the Naked Window, by Antonio Cassone is available for purchase at PublishAmerica

My Dad after work, relaxing.

My Dad's Army photo... he served during the Korean Conflict (War) in Okinawa, Japan.

A watercolor restoration of my dad's high school graduation picture, 1958.

Mom & Dad celebrating :>)

Dad on his way to or from work, per his usual.

Dad took time between errands one Saturday to strike a pose for my Mom :>)

Teddy & Dad

Dad & Mom celebrating...again :>) - never got old with them

one of the last photos of my Mom & Dad together

NOMINEES & VOTE for BEST of SEASON 7 "GETTING READY" (2010 CASSONE CHANNEL HONORS)

This is your one stop web page for the 2010 Cassone Channel Honors coverage for the best of Season 7 of Getting Ready, the web reality series over at the Cassone2007 YouTube Channel. See below for the polls and a full list of the nominees, including the continuing and ever-growing history by numbers tally. You can vote daily. Voting ends Wednesday, May 26, 2010. Winners will be announced Sunday, May 30, 2010 right here at http://www.antoniocassone.blogspot.com. Winners receive a trophy and the honor.

While Season 7 of Getting Ready was the series' least viewed, as it was filled with webisodes containing past performances by series regulars due to my illness, I am grateful to my supporting players, guests, Cat & Judy and Miss Bea for 'filling' the season with creative and relative material. I am always up front about not only the highs and successes of my channel, but of our low points as well because it is the only way we can learn, I can learn to be and do better - to provide a more entertaining and relevant show for our now more than 1600 channel subscribers.

BEST WEBISODE of "GETTING READY" - SEASON 7
	145: CASSONE'S CLIMACTIC DISCOTECKA
	146: DON'T TAKE ANYTHING FOR GRANTED
	147: THE CAT AND JUDY COLLECTION, PART ONE
	153: HONORS, ED MCMAHON, FARRAH FAWCETT AND MICHAEL JACKSON
	154: INDEPENDENCE DAY, PART ONE
pollcode.com free polls

BEST SUPPORTING PLAYER - SEASON 7
	THE LADY FANCY
	MAMA THERESA
	MISS ANASTASIA ROSS
	NANCY ROSS
	SHARDE ROSS
pollcode.com free polls

BEST GUEST STAR - SEASON 7 of "GETTING READY"
	AUNTIE MAME
	BRIAN-BRIANNA BRAGG
	DIVA KINGSLEY
	SISI LOVE
	MISS TWIGGY
pollcode.com free polls

BEST TECHNICAL ACHIEVEMENT - SEASON 7 of "GETTING READY"
	BITCHES 'N' STUDS GROOMING
	RON BIVENS
	CAT DESANTIS AND JUDY CHARRINGTON
	THE LADY FANCY
	WILLIAM "SUNSHINE" OTT FREDERICK
	MARK ROSEN
pollcode.com free polls

THE 2010 CASSONE CHANNEL HONORS

Best of “Getting Ready” – Season 7

BEST WEBISODE - SEASON 7
(CLICK HERE TO WATCH THE BEST WEBISODE NOMINEES REVIEW VIDEO)

145: CASSONE’S CLIMACTIC DISCOTECKA
Mama Theresa, Brianna Bragg, Mark Rosen, Miss Koko, Sharde Ross, Miss Twiggy, Alandra Matt, Michael “Smurf” Lennon, William “Sunshine” Ott Frederick, performers; Mark Rosen, writer (A History of Disco) & production assistance; Sharde Ross, jewelry design; William “Sunshine” Ott Frederick, sound operator; Michael “Smurf” Lennon, stage lighting; Gus Sanchez, location producer; Rodney Mack, webisode co-director; Antonio Cassone, performer, producer, director, concept & editor.

CLICK HERE TO WATCH WEBISODE 145: CASSONE'S CLIMACTIC DISCOTECKA.

146: DON’T TAKE ANYTHING FOR GRANTED
Miss Bea, performer; Walter McCoy, location producer; Bitches ‘n’ Studs Grooming, Miss Bea’s stylist; Antonio Cassone, performer, producer, director, concept & editor.

CLICK HERE TO WATCH WEBISODE 146: DON'T TAKE ANYTHING FOR GRANTED

147: THE CAT & JUDY COLLECTION, PART ONE
Miss Bea, The Lady Fancy, Nancy Ross, performers; Ron Bivens, stage lighting; Sharde Ross, jewelry design; Ken & Lloyd, location producers; Cat DeSantis & Judy Charrington, webisode co-directors; Antonio Cassone, performer, producer, director, concept & editor.

CLICK HERE TO WATCH WEBISODE 147: THE CAT & JUDY COLLECTION, PART ONE

153: HONORS, ED MCMAHON, FARRAH FAWCETT & MICHAEL JACKSON
Miss Bea, performer; Walter McCoy, location producer; Bitches ‘n’ Studs Grooming, Miss Bea’s stylist; Antonio Cassone, performer, producer, director, concept & editor.

CLICK HERE TO WATCH WEBISODE 153: HONORS, ED MCMAHON, FARRAH FAWCETT & MICHAEL JACKSON

154: INDEPENDENCE DAY, PART ONE
Miss Bea, Michael “Smurf” Lennon, Sisi Love, Jane, Valli & Gus Sanchez, performers. Walter McCoy & Gus Sanchez, location producers; Bitches ‘n’ Studs Grooming, Miss Bea’s stylist; Antonio Cassone, performer, producer, director, concept & editor.

CLICK HERE TO WATCH WEBISODE 154: INDEPENDENCE DAY, PART ONE

BEST SUPPORTING PLAYER – SEASON 7

CLICK HERE TO RECAP THE BEST SUPPORTING PLAYER NOMINEES - SEASON 7 VIDEO

The Lady Fancy
Mama Theresa
Miss Anastasia Ross
Nancy Ross
Sharde Ross

BEST GUEST STAR – SEASON 7
CLICK HERE TO RECAP THE BEST GUEST STAR - SEASON 7 NOMINEES VIDEO

Auntie Mame “168: Stompin’ at the Biz, Part One”
Brian/Brianna Bragg, “145: Cassone’s Climactic Discotecka,” “155: Independence Day, Part Two,”
Diva Kingsley, “155: Independence Day, Part Two,” “168: Stompin’ at the Biz, Part One”
Sisi Love, “154 & 155: Independence Day, Parts 1 &2”
Miss Twiggy, “145: Cassone’s Climactic Discotecka”

BEST TECHNICAL ACHIEVEMENT – SEASON 7

CLICK HERE TO REVIEW THE BEST TECHNICAL ACHIEVEMENT NONINEES - SEASON 7 VIDEO

Bitches ‘N’ Studs Grooming, Miss Bea’s stylists (various webisodes)
Ron Bivens, stage lighting, “The Cat & Judy Collection, Parts 1-16 (various webisodes)”
Cat DeSantis, Judy Charrington, camera operators, “The Cat & Judy Collection, Parts 1-16 (various webisodes)”
The Lady Fancy, wig stylist/makeup, “The Cat & Judy Collection, Parts 1-16 (various webisodes)”
William “Sunshine” Ott Frederick, stage lighting & sound operator, “168: Stompin’ at the Biz, Part One”
Mark Rosen, production assistance, “145: Cassone’s Climactic Discotecka”

Walter McCoy Life Legend Award, beginning with the 2010 awards year (Season 7) this award will be given to someone of my choosing based on their overall body of work and their contribution to GETTING READY and any of the Cassone2007 and PhotographybyCassone channels. I name this category after Walter McCoy, because from the beginning of my channel, he was always a silent, but very supportive and encouraging force behind a lot of what ended up being the final product. If it were not for Walter, we would not have been graced by Miss Bea, nor would I have had a location for many of the webisodes and/or photo shoots. His career was in catering, restaurant and bar service industries, yet his steady support and constant blessing of my work is why I chose to name this award in a way to memorialize him, his efforts and his legacy. Walter passed away January 22, 2010. The recipient of this award will be chosen either annually, or season by season. Their career and life’s work should mirror each other in a standard of excellence, a giving back to the ‘world’ community through that work and have an essence that defines legendary status. The first recipient of this honor, I am proud to announce, is Miss Twiggy, whose career as a female impersonator spans four decades and her charity work through benefit shows and motherly approach to her younger contemporaries established her as a legend long before now.

WALTER MCCOY LIFE LEGEND AWARD
*MISS TWIGGY

THE 2010 CASSONE CHANNEL HONORS RULES & REGULATIONS

Rules, Categories and Regulations

Nominees are chosen based on subscriber comments, video views and ratings.

No more than five (5) webisodes will be selected for each category and in performer categories, no more than five (5) individual performers will be selected for performer categories – unless there is a tie. In that case there will be six nominees in that given category.

A voting body consisting of subscribers, channel viewers, social networking site group members and peer channel directors will select the winner(s) in each category via simple online polls.

Each category will be given its own separate poll, with results remaining in public view through the duration of the voting process.

Any video appearing on the Cassone2007 channel for a given season is eligible for an award. A ‘season’ constitutes 24 webisodes.

Winners in each category receive a trophy – and the honor.

All credited webisode performers, et al are eligible for the Best Webisode (per each given season) category – thus if a performer, technical person, co-director, production assistant, set designer, location producer et al was credited for that specific webisode; all are part of that nomination (and eventual award) in that given category.

All performer and technical achievement categories are for individual achievement for that specific supporting player, guest star or technical artist.

Supporting Player category is for individual ‘performers’ for each qualified season who have appeared in GETTING READY or any extras on the channel, in five (5) or more webisodes to be eligible for that category in that given season.

Guest Star category is for individual ‘performers’ for each qualified season who have appeared in GETTING READY in four (4) or less webisodes or any extras on the channel, to be eligible for that category in that given season.

Technical Achievement category, beginning with the 2010 awards year (Season 7) WILL now appear as a competition category for technical artist in a given webisode during a given season – i.e. this is for set designers, costumers, hair designers, makeup, lighting techs, sound operators, location producers, stylists and will be voted on by the general public.

Sister Channel awards are given to channels that have caught the eye of our subscribers and have a common bond with our audience, thus creating a more global feel to the experience while viewers are at Cassone’s sites and channel. Cassone will select this award, with suggestions being taken into consideration by subscribers and even the peer channel directors themselves. This category will be threefold, as an award will be given to Local, USA and Global. See categories for more information. These awards are to be given annually.

Pioneer Award is a special category given to an individual or channel that has promoted, shared, coached and assisted using their knowledge and tools to help the Cassone2007 channel grow, improve and meet the demands of it’s subscribers and viewership. Cassone will select the honoree, with suggestions being taken into consideration. This award will be given annually.

Public Service Award is given to an individual or channel that exemplifies the Cassone2007 view of creating art and/or media that provokes thought, incites positive activism that enlightens the human spirit and makes the world a brighter and better place. This award will be given annually.

THE CASSONE CHANNEL HONORS HISTORY BY NUMBERS

TALLY OF INDIVIDUAL NOMINEES
(Not including Cassone and from top to bottom in order of appearance)

MAMA THERESA
Nominations This Season: 2
Previous Nominations: 8
Previous Wins: 2
Total Career Nominations: 10

BRIAN/BRIANNA BRAGG
Nominations This Season: 2
Previous Nominations: 4
Previous Wins: 0
Total Career Nominations: 6

MISS KOKO
Nominations This Season: 1
Previous Nominations: 4
Previous Wins: 0
Total Career Nominations: 5

MISS TWIGGY
Nominations This Season: 3
Previous Nominations: 2
Previous Wins: 0
Total Career Nominations: 5

ALANDRA MATT
Nominations This Season: 1
Previous Nominations: 2
Previous Wins: 0
Total Career Nominations: 3

MIKE “SMURF” LENNON
Nominations This Season: 2
Previous Nominations: 4
Previous Wins: 1
Total Career Nominations: 6

WILLIAM “SUNSHINE” OTT FREDERICK
Nominations This Season: 2
Previous Nomination: These are William “Sunshine” Ott Frederick’s first nominations.

MARK ROSEN
Nominations This Season: 2
Previous Nominations: 1
Previous Wins: 1
Total Career Nominations: 3

RODNEY MACK

Nominations This Season: 1

Previous Nominations: 3

Previous Wins: 0

Total Career Nominations: 4

GUS SANCHEZ
Nominations This Season: 2
Previous Nominations: 10
Previous Wins: 2
Total Career Nominations: 12

MISS BEA
Nominations This Season: 4
Previous Nominations: 8
Previous Wins: 4
Total Career Nominations: 12

WALTER MCCOY
Nominations This Season: 4
Previous Nominations: 9
Previous Wins: 4
Total Career Nominations: 13

BITCHES ‘N’ STUDS GROOMING
Nominations This Season: 4
Previous Nominations: 1
Previous Wins: 0
Total Career Nominations: 5

THE LADY FANCY
Nominations This Season: 3
Previous Nominations: 3
Previous Wins: 1
Total Career Nominations: 6

NANCY ROSS
Nominations This Season: 2
Previous Nominations: 11
Previous Wins: 5
Total Career Nominations: 13

RON BIVENS
Nominations This Season: 2
Previous Nominations: These are Ron Bivens’ first nominations.

SHARDE ROSS
Nominations This Season: 3
Previous Nominations: 8
Previous Wins: 2
Total Career Nominations: 11

KEN & LLOYD
Nominations This Season: 1
Previous Nominations: This is Ken & Lloyd’s first nomination.

CAT DE SANTIS
Nominations This Season: 2
Previous Nominations: 1
Previous Wins: 0
Total Career Nominations: 3

JUDY CHARRINGTON
Nominations This Season: 2
Previous Nominations: These are Judy Charrington’s first nominations.

SISI LOVE
Nominations This Season: 2
Previous Nominations: These are Sisi Love’s first nominations.

JANE
Nominations This Season: 1
Previous Nominations: This is Jane’s first nomination.

VALLI
Nominations This Season: 1
Previous Nomination: 1
Previous Wins: 0
Total Career Nominations: 2

MISS ANASTASIA ROSS
Nominations This Season: 1
Previous Nominations: 1
Previous Wins: 0
Total Career Nominations: 2

AUNTIE MAME
Nominations This Season: 1
Previous Nomination: This is Auntie Mame’s first nomination.

DIVA KINGSLEY
Nominations This Season: 1
Previous Nominations: 19
Previous Wins: 5
Total Career Nominations: 20

CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL OF SEASON 7’S NOMINEES!