It
has been a year now since my brother, Michael passed away suddenly. Though he had been in declining health for
some time, it was still a shock when he left us. I always wanted acceptance from my eldest
brother. My other siblings, Dan and Sue
pretty much always accepted me for who I am, but Mike was bitter for some time
because I didn’t personally come out to him as gay. He had to read about it in the local
newspaper in 1993, when my semi-autobiographical play The Ashley Correspondence
opened.
Immediately
I regretted never telling him out right, but I never apologized to him for
keeping it from him. Over the years, he
grew to accept it and loved me for me. For
years he would never attend any of my plays and when I started doing the drag shows,
I pretty much stopped telling him about them.
One
time though, he heard about me doing a special performance at a Borders Bookstore
in Dearborn, MI and he called me and told me he was going to come and support
me. He thought it was the coolest thing
and just bet no other queen was doing such a gig at such a venue.
Now,
Michael was a tough critic, but he totally enjoyed my set and what’s more is he
was impressed at how much the mixed crowd of young, old, families with their
kids, various races were all enjoying it as well. It was the only time he saw me perform, but
it was just enough. It was just right,
They
say hindsight is 20/20. You know how when
someone passes away and you reflect on the last time you spoke to them and you
have that epiphany… The kind of epiphany that makes you wonder… did he know he
was going to pass away soon?
I
last spoke to my brother, Mike three weeks before his death. Now, mind you, we didn’t speak that often
maybe about three or four times a year and, unfortunately, there were a few
years there where we may have only spoke once or twice. That last conversation was so different from
all the others from so many past years.
It
was as though we both cleaned each other’s slates. I get teary-eyed and emotional just thinking
about it and I am filled with gratitude to him for calling me that day. We talked about the normal daily grind; his
illnesses, my job and life stresses.
Then the conversation took a turn.
He
asked me about my shows and I explained to him that it had been some months
since my last show, that life had been happening too much and my circumstances
haven’t been of the showbusiness kind as of late. I told him it wasn’t like I would never do
another show again, but just not any time soon and if I never did another drag
show again that would be fine too. I
have had a pretty good run and have a body of work to be proud of.
He
was sympathetic and actually encouraged me saying, ‘it can’t be. It is like the
end of an era.’” He couldn’t remember a time in my adult life when I wasn’t
doing a show or a play. He said I will
find my way back to the stage one day.
My passion would lead me back to it.
He was happy I was still working on my books, photography and such. He was glad I always had a creative outlet
over the decades.
I told him that I was working on a book, Reflections in Face – A Photo Memoir about my soon to be 25-year drag career. He said it sounded exciting and he would welcome a copy and I told him I would send him a copy of the photo book I did with the photos our Great Uncle Ralph had left behind. I told him he was in the book and to not be mad that I included him (as he loved his privacy). He was actually delighted and was looking forward to getting his copy of it.
I
accepted his apology, of course and though that incident left me scarred for
life, it added character to my face. I
told him he was just an unknown part of the creative process of a diva! He roared with laughter.
My
brother, Mike, suffered from depression and mental illness for many years, then
his physical started taking a turn for the worse over time. I apologized to him if he ever thought I was
mad at him or if he ever felt I treated him differently because of it. You know, he assured me that I hadn’t – get this
– even if I had. I sighed at the relief his words gave me.
It
was probably the most eloquent, footloose, fancy free conversation I had with him
since that drag show at the bookstore some twenty years earlier; the two
occasions in my adult life where I really felt loved, needed, wanted and
appreciated for who I am by my big brother, Mike.
And
you know what, it is enough…
I
miss him and pray for him daily. In all
honesty, I think about him more now that he is gone from us. I sure hope he is at peace now, watching all
the baseball he can stand, rockin’ it out to the loudest best music he can
handle and knows he is loved, loved, loved and missed dearly by me and my
siblings.
The
poem below is the one I wrote some days after his passing and I was able to
finally include it in one of my books, my complete poetry collection Writing
Lines. Hey, I had to mention it, because
as he would say, ‘that is so’ me.
AT
THE END OF THE DAY
For
my brother, Michael J. Conroy
Sunrise:
October 24, 1962
Sunset:
August 19, 2017
Just
past midnight, a few days after you had left us
Though
after many years of your illness, it was sudden in the end
I
sat and wrote this for you, after much prayer and deep reflection
In
awe of the wonders of life’s jagged road, with its curves on a bend
I
thought about our loss is really the beginning of your redemption
Thinking
back on our last conversation, as hindsight reveals perfection
We
said so many things that I now know needed to be said
I
looked in the mirror of our brotherhood with the clearest reflection
I
am so glad now that you took the time to reach out to me
For
so long, I felt it a burden, even guilty for not reaching out to you enough
Time
is not promised to us, and though memories last a lifetime
They
can fade in weathered passages, especially when the going gets rough
I
do remember, though we may not have been close as adults
Given
age, life circumstance and all that it can throw in the way
We
shared so much, straight from the heart especially when it came to
Baseball
games, splitting a meal, going to the movies back in the day
And
the music, let’s not forget about that – it was the common denominator
In
our family line, we can all remember jamming on any given Saturday
In
the living room, the four of us kids rocking it out
Music
runs through our bloodline so rich and strong
I
mostly remember occasions along the way
Christmas,
Thanksgiving dinners, Easter, our birthdays
You
going away to college, even that time you came to my show
The
distance between us meant nothing, by picking up the phone with a simple hello
It
is in these vignette’s from where I gain my strength now
I
can find serenity in the knowledge that you are not suffering anymore,
This
life’s struggles seemed mountainous for you
And
the worries a constant test of your faith
I
remember all the times you prayed for us, all the masses you requested be said
I
value the times you kept me in line, when you felt I had done something wrong
And
like any big brother, you guided me the best way you knew how and
In
the end, you finally showed me appreciation and gave me the acceptance from you
that I sought
Now, I hear your voice so plainly as you broadcast to my senses
I
smell the fragrance of your spirit, I hear the music of your way,
I
touch the air feeling your energy, I taste the sweetness of ice cream,
I
see your greatness and love after all of it, at the end of the day
Copyright
© Antonio Cassone – All Rights Reserved
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