Sunday, August 19, 2018

Remembering My Brother Michael - One Year Anniversay - The Last Phone Call - At the End of the Day Reprise




It has been a year now since my brother, Michael passed away suddenly.  Though he had been in declining health for some time, it was still a shock when he left us.  I always wanted acceptance from my eldest brother.  My other siblings, Dan and Sue pretty much always accepted me for who I am, but Mike was bitter for some time because I didn’t personally come out to him as gay.  He had to read about it in the local newspaper in 1993, when my semi-autobiographical play The Ashley Correspondence opened. 

Immediately I regretted never telling him out right, but I never apologized to him for keeping it from him.  Over the years, he grew to accept it and loved me for me.  For years he would never attend any of my plays and when I started doing the drag shows, I pretty much stopped telling him about them. 

One time though, he heard about me doing a special performance at a Borders Bookstore in Dearborn, MI and he called me and told me he was going to come and support me.  He thought it was the coolest thing and just bet no other queen was doing such a gig at such a venue.

Now, Michael was a tough critic, but he totally enjoyed my set and what’s more is he was impressed at how much the mixed crowd of young, old, families with their kids, various races were all enjoying it as well.  It was the only time he saw me perform, but it was just enough.  It was just right,




They say hindsight is 20/20.  You know how when someone passes away and you reflect on the last time you spoke to them and you have that epiphany… The kind of epiphany that makes you wonder… did he know he was going to pass away soon?

I last spoke to my brother, Mike three weeks before his death.  Now, mind you, we didn’t speak that often maybe about three or four times a year and, unfortunately, there were a few years there where we may have only spoke once or twice.  That last conversation was so different from all the others from so many past years.

It was as though we both cleaned each other’s slates.  I get teary-eyed and emotional just thinking about it and I am filled with gratitude to him for calling me that day.  We talked about the normal daily grind; his illnesses, my job and life stresses.  Then the conversation took a turn.

He asked me about my shows and I explained to him that it had been some months since my last show, that life had been happening too much and my circumstances haven’t been of the showbusiness kind as of late.  I told him it wasn’t like I would never do another show again, but just not any time soon and if I never did another drag show again that would be fine too.  I have had a pretty good run and have a body of work to be proud of.

He was sympathetic and actually encouraged me saying, ‘it can’t be. It is like the end of an era.’” He couldn’t remember a time in my adult life when I wasn’t doing a show or a play.  He said I will find my way back to the stage one day.  My passion would lead me back to it.  He was happy I was still working on my books, photography and such.  He was glad I always had a creative outlet over the decades.  


I told him that I was working on a book, Reflections in Face – A Photo Memoir about my soon to be 25-year drag career.  He said it sounded exciting and he would welcome a copy and I told him I would send him a copy of the photo book I did with the photos our Great Uncle Ralph had left behind.  I told him he was in the book and to not be mad that I included him (as he loved his privacy).  He was actually delighted and was looking forward to getting his copy of it.

When we were discussing Face, an incident from our childhood came up.  He brought up the time he got so mad at me for not correctly washing a pot that he flung it at me and it struck me on the right side of my forehead; blood immediately gushed out and it left me scarred for life.  He told me he felt horrible about it and for all the times he teased and bullied me when I was a kid.

I accepted his apology, of course and though that incident left me scarred for life, it added character to my face.  I told him he was just an unknown part of the creative process of a diva!  He roared with laughter.

My brother, Mike, suffered from depression and mental illness for many years, then his physical started taking a turn for the worse over time.  I apologized to him if he ever thought I was mad at him or if he ever felt I treated him differently because of it.  You know, he assured me that I hadn’t – get this – even if I had.  I sighed at the relief his words gave me. 

It was probably the most eloquent, footloose, fancy free conversation I had with him since that drag show at the bookstore some twenty years earlier; the two occasions in my adult life where I really felt loved, needed, wanted and appreciated for who I am by my big brother, Mike.

And you know what, it is enough…

I miss him and pray for him daily.  In all honesty, I think about him more now that he is gone from us.  I sure hope he is at peace now, watching all the baseball he can stand, rockin’ it out to the loudest best music he can handle and knows he is loved, loved, loved and missed dearly by me and my siblings. 

The poem below is the one I wrote some days after his passing and I was able to finally include it in one of my books, my complete poetry collection Writing Lines.  Hey, I had to mention it, because as he would say, ‘that is so’ me.


AT THE END OF THE DAY



For my brother, Michael J. Conroy

Sunrise: October 24, 1962

Sunset: August 19, 2017



Just past midnight, a few days after you had left us

Though after many years of your illness, it was sudden in the end

I sat and wrote this for you, after much prayer and deep reflection

In awe of the wonders of life’s jagged road, with its curves on a bend



I thought about our loss is really the beginning of your redemption

Thinking back on our last conversation, as hindsight reveals perfection

We said so many things that I now know needed to be said

I looked in the mirror of our brotherhood with the clearest reflection



I am so glad now that you took the time to reach out to me

For so long, I felt it a burden, even guilty for not reaching out to you enough

Time is not promised to us, and though memories last a lifetime

They can fade in weathered passages, especially when the going gets rough



I do remember, though we may not have been close as adults

Given age, life circumstance and all that it can throw in the way

We shared so much, straight from the heart especially when it came to

Baseball games, splitting a meal, going to the movies back in the day



And the music, let’s not forget about that – it was the common denominator

In our family line, we can all remember jamming on any given Saturday

In the living room, the four of us kids rocking it out

Music runs through our bloodline so rich and strong



I mostly remember occasions along the way

Christmas, Thanksgiving dinners, Easter, our birthdays

You going away to college, even that time you came to my show

The distance between us meant nothing, by picking up the phone with a simple hello



It is in these vignette’s from where I gain my strength now

I can find serenity in the knowledge that you are not suffering anymore,

This life’s struggles seemed mountainous for you

And the worries a constant test of your faith



I remember all the times you prayed for us, all the masses you requested be said

I value the times you kept me in line, when you felt I had done something wrong

And like any big brother, you guided me the best way you knew how and

In the end, you finally showed me appreciation and gave me the acceptance from you that I sought


Now, I hear your voice so plainly as you broadcast to my senses

I smell the fragrance of your spirit, I hear the music of your way,

I touch the air feeling your energy, I taste the sweetness of ice cream,

I see your greatness and love after all of it, at the end of the day



Copyright © Antonio Cassone – All Rights Reserved


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