These vignettes are from chapter/episode 23... in book/season 1 of the memoir series.
In my sordid, sometimes triumphant life there have been many deeds. There have been the dirty deeds and then there are those wonderful acts of kindness. They're nice when on the receiving end, but even more redeeming when on the giving end.
Lance, my first, so-called ex-lover has been on my mind a lot lately. You lovers of the world know what influences those first loves have on us, be damned what they did in the past. Hell, we all have a past. I know I certainly do. Over the years though, during our multiple episodes of being high profile guest stars in each other's lives, we have always come back together and picked up where we left off. Remember when I said I left Lance originally, because I wanted to feel something for my mate. That was a half-truth then, which has snowballed into my very own personal foolishness.
You see, all along I really didn't want to feel. It was always too sexually charged. If it wasn't an explosive and head-banging (literally) experience, I wanted nothing to do with it. That was then, so when Lance and I were going together I became bored with him and his comfort zone, as far as our relations were concerned. Then, we can't forget Jimmie, who took the whole sex thing to another level. He became boring due to his constant repetitions. Allen was always a buddy. So, there you have the first three of my relationships. I remind you, they were all one-sided and as I told my dear friend, Pam, recently, as I toked long and hard on another ruthless cigarette... I, yes, I have never been in a true relationship.
I have lived a lie.
I wrote Lance a letter about a month and a half ago. It’s been about three years since I had seen him and I was wondering how he was doing and I will admit, I missed being with him. Sure enough, he got the letter and we got together for a very nice, intimate evening. I have seen him twice in the week and a half surrounding the holiday. Yes, before and after Thanksgiving, I was having a little more holiday cheer than I had anticipated and it was wonderful. Why? Because, of the differences. Now I like the familiarity. Now I feel like being ...familiar.
It was funny having all the company I had over the holiday weekend.
It felt good, but whenever somebody ate something or sat down or touched something, I'd say. "Oh Pam got that for me" or "Diva did that for me."
Not that I hadn't realized it before, but what would people like me do without kind people in our lives and their acts of kindness and good deeds.
We would be naked.
Pam, Diva and people like Colleen and those at my church, St. Leo's, like Mary Ann or Angela; my friends like Shad and Marshall and even people like Tiger - they live the Beatitudes from the Bible. None of them are particularly 'religious' people, although a couple of them go to church and participate in their community a lot more than some of the others...it doesn't matter. It is the simple fact that they all have one thing in common. They have very little themselves, but have enough of the "Spirit" in them to give what they can, do what they can for those of us who had or have found themselves in a tighter spot in life.
Don't get me wrong; I have been a giver all my life, but primarily for all the wrong reasons - usually, to impress a guy. Because, you see, for as many men as I have considered lover there have been those who are "friends" past and present whom I have wanted quite desperately, but never landed that proverbial lay in the hay. Not that it would have been a big deal, but it was just that I equated love with sex for a long time. I have a lot of love for these guys to this day, but it hadn't reached its fullest potential because we hadn't done the deed, as it were. My dealing with them has been a major part in my turning point and responsible largely for where I am now in my life.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions.
Little does he know, even though we never 'related' with one another, he is one of the reasons I now keep a low-profile on the night club scene. When you see how people act and hear what they say about him after he walks past their fake grins on their false countenances, it makes one like me think - "I never want to be thought of that way." And I have maintained that respect over the years. As big of a whore as I was in the past, I never carried myself as such. That's the difference between him and me. Call it an educated read, but when you call it like it is seen and when we become honest with ourselves, honey, and you figure out - well, that's not somebody you'd want to be with anyway because sure it may be a cool sexual experience, but at what cost and while it may be a big deal to you we all know it means next to nothing to men like him of the world.
I have also learned that deeds always outweigh any act you put on or any string of words you can put together in a perfectly created phrase.
Looking through the Naked Window: The Restoration Chronicles (Volume 1) is available in both Paperback and Kindle Editions for purchase at http://www.amazon.com/Looking-through-Naked-Window-Restoration/dp/1484950933/ref=asap_bc?ie=UTF8